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All I know is that I don’t know

All I know is that I don’t know nothing

The older I get the bigger the world. If I have learned anything in my years it is that I don’t know jack shit. I don’t mean that in the ‘I’m an idiot’ sense, but in a way that implies the best and worst thing about being alive. Sometimes shit just  happens. Sometimes there is a road map to why, sometimes there’s not. You learn to take the good with the bad, hope life tips in your favor for the better part of our time. Tomorrow will be better.

This time of the year is filled with words. Greeting cards, lengthy dinner conversations with relatives, small talk at holiday parties. We have so few firsts after a certain age that with the New Year there seems to be a halo around around the future. We begin January with wide eyes and resolve to change. Do things differently. Be a better person. As the months go on, shit happens. The conversations and promises to keep in touch begin to fade. The less we take care of ourselves. The more we make excuses. The less time we have. The gleam of a new year dulled.

There is no way of knowing if this year will be any easier than the last. As I was driving home from the airport I let my mind revisit some of those 365 days. The good ones. The hard ones. The worst one… I felt my throat close up and fought off a panic attack thinking how much I still don’t know. Sparing the details, if my 2013 were a drink it would be dark and stormy. As I pulled in my driveway  I was reminded of what makes it all worth it.  There will always be a soft spot in my heart for lucky number 13 because it brought me my roommates. January 1 2013 I had no Lindsay, Gabe, Zach, or Ben.  There is a silver lining to everything. In many ways I wish I could take back a lot of what led up to me lucking out. But you can’t. You have to take the bad with the good. Despite a shitty situation I ended up with all I needed.

They say everything happens for a reason, but you will often have no idea what that reason is. The older I get the less I rely on what I was taught and side with what is pumping my blood. Go with your gut. A ‘fresh start’ is an illusion, in reality we will always be tied to our past.

The one thing I am sure of is that  life wouldn’t be worth living without the people I share it with. To my incredible kick ass-boot stompin-music blastin-group of weirdos that I am lucky enough to call my friends: THANK YOU. As we begin again, take a moment to think about the people in your life who are there on the good days and the bad days. Rain or Shine. Richer and Poorer. In sickness and in health. Fall in love with your life and all of the people in it. As big as the world seems, love makes it feel small. As unsure as I may be, I have never doubted that truth. Happy 2014.

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